Another Day

I feel like yesterday didn’t happen, like it was a dream……a fog……I wish that were true.

Yesterday I went to SRM for my hCG blood test to see if the IVF cycle we just went through worked, in hopes that they would tell me I was pregnant. Unfortunately, they told me the test was negative. “Discontinue your meds and call your Doctor when you are ready.”

This past Thursday I started some light spotting and on Friday it was increasing. At first I was really nervous, but then some people online said that spotting could be good and that it could actually mean I was pregnant. I got a little bit excited. Saturday AM before my blood draw (at 11 AM) the spotting was getting heavier and more red in color…..I wasn’t feeling good about it, but still trying to be hopeful.

But then the call came and I realized my biggest fear had come true. Hubby wrapped me up in his arms, wiped away my tears and told me he wanted it to be positive as much as I did. He asked what he could do for me and I told him I just wanted to keep making the Apple Crisp I was baking in the kitchen (yesterday was Hubby’s Birthday-my RE said we didn’t have to have the test yesterday, but we didn’t want to wait another day). I just wanted my day to go on as normal, but it wasn’t exactly normal….tears periodically dropping. Numb….sad…..numb…..sad……

We still went out to dinner to celebrate Hubby’s birthday and I had a cocktail.

I’m going to call Dr. Thyer this Monday to set up my consultation. Unless she thinks doing another round immediately is going to better our chances, I want to wait. I can handle the needles, the abdominal injections, the surgery, being laid up, but I can’t handle the emotional drain, not yet……

I want to do it again, I want to be a Mom, but I’m scared, scared it won’t work and facing this feeling again. My biggest question is WHY? Why didn’t it work? Was it just not the time or is there something in my body that isn’t right? Hubby and I felt like everything went as well as we could have imagined. We are glad we chose to participate in the Attain program and glad that we put 2 embryos in. We don’t have any regrets. We just hoped and prayed for a different outcome…….

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17 thoughts on “Another Day

  1. I am so sorry…I felt the same way…NUMB…there is nothing I can say that will make the pain go away but just know there is absolutely nothing you could do…I hope that your consultation goes well…we went straight into a FET which was no needles only estrogen & progesterone…do you have frozen embryos? I just could not handle not going into it because not doing anything for me will just get me more depressed…I really hope you feel better!!!

  2. I’m so sorry it didn’t work. Your blog reminds me so much of how I felt after my first IVF. I started my blog a few days after, and it really helps me to put it out there. Although it may seem impossible now, better days will come, but it will take time. Be sad, be angry, be bitter, be numb. It helps you heal. I’m not sure if it will help, but my first few blogs talk about my healing process.

  3. I wish I had magical powers to know what to say and give you all that you want. feel everything that you want to right now and I’ll be here if you want to eat brownies.

  4. Pingback: Old-Fashioned Apple Crisp « hopefulandhungry

  5. I’m so sorry! I just found your blog yesterday as I’m also in the dreaded 2ww after transferring our one viable embryo. This process is so tough! Sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive husband to help you through the process. I congratulate you on putting yourself out there and sharing your journey…you will help so many others by speaking your truth! I just recently started to share my own process on my blog, it’s been scary but healing as well.

    Best of luck to you!

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