Obsessed

It’s begun…….the neurotic thoughts, the worrying, the fretting about lack of symptoms…..the obsession with thinking all things baby.  This is the part of the IVF process that I don’t trust, well, maybe it’s not the process but my body that I don’t trust.  I trust that I will my suppression check will be okay (it has in the past), I trust that my follicles will grow with the stimulation medications (they have in the past), I trust that there will be eggs to retrieve (there have been in the past), I trust that the eggs will get fertilized (they have in the past), I trust that they will make it to 5 day blastocysts (they have in the past), and I trust that we will have beautiful good quality embryos to transfer (we have 4 times now).  But, I’ve never gotten pregnant, never had a HCG/beta test come back with a quantitative number and this is why I don’t trust my body or this part of the journey.  I’ve heard “your test is negative” too many times now and I’m scared to hear those words again.

I told all of you that I was going into this cycle with more optimism and positivity and I was…….until now.  This is the part of the process that terrifies me.  Maybe the earlier parts of the process are easier because of the periodic office visits and updates and now this is 9 days of waiting.  I haven’t given up, I’m just scared.

I’ve decided not to do the daily testing, I’m going to try to wait until my beta and live in my “I could be pregnant” bubble.  I’m back to work this week and hoping that this will be a pleasant distraction.  Our 7 embryos in extended culture didn’t make it, but we are still blessed with the 7 who are now in cryopreservation.

Any suggestions for distractions, boosters for my optimism or stories of reassurance would be greatly appreciated.

Until Saturday…….

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28 thoughts on “Obsessed

  1. I’ve been thinking about you all week. I have a good feeling about this one 🙂 Let me know if you want to hang out on Friday. I’m currently obsessed with the Espresso Milkshakes at the Ballard B&O Espresso. (Decaf of course!)

  2. I hate this! I hate the doubt that filters in the longer the wait goes and the more time we spend on our own without the constant contact with the doctor’s office… I’m so sorry my friend! Praying that these days fly by, that symptoms will start showing up soon, in fact, let’s go ahead and pray you throw up tomorrow morning, okay? So hopeful for you! Thinking of you constantly this week!

  3. The two-week wait is a cruel trick of nature I think. I find it really hard and I’ve only been TTC-ing for a year and haven’t even gone through IVF yet (that starts later this week). I’ve been doing lots of yoga and meditation and swing dancing. They’re my distractions. And COOKING. Finding a complicated, long recipe to make, or making a three-course meal. Good luck.

    • I’m taking a break from yoga right now, but really wish I could practice, it is my absolute favorite and is my haven. Yes, getting into the kitchen is probably where I need to be! 🙂

      • Do you have to modify/stop yoga practice during an IVF cycle? I go 4-5 times a week and would love to continue when my IVF cycle starts. It’s not bikram. I’m hoping to go but just modify my practice, do simple versions, give the inversions a miss, etc. do you have any thoughts on that?

      • I don’t think you have to stop practicing. I do pretty intense heated vinyasa flow and yoga sculpt classes and thought they might be too much for me at this time. I think if you aren’t going to heated yoga you are fine and modifying is great. I actually practiced until I started my stimulation medications because my ovaries get so tender and I feel like I shouldn’t be twisting. Yoga is such a tough thing for me to give up! 🙂

      • Yeah I might chat to the teachers about it too. Sounds like it was a tough but necessary decision for you. It will make you appreciate it all the more when you get to return to your practice. Namaste 🙂

  4. I’m sure the waiting is tortuous. You’ve done all you can do at this point. This cycle has been so different for you, that’s gotta count for something!

  5. My last, and successful, ivf I was so so down. I had myself convinced that it wouldn’t work. So, I’m going to tell you what my husband kept saying to me, “If you are so sure that it won’t work, why did you do another cycle?” He was right, you still have a great chance of success, no matter what happened in the past. Hoping this is it for you!

    • I love the comment your husband made, it’s completely true. We have to think that it will work one of the times! Oh and I’m so glad to hear that you didn’t have any early symptoms….the message boards kind of mess with my head. 😉

      On Jun 24, 2013, at 7:09 PM, hopefulandhungry

  6. The waiting is true test of your patience! So glad you decided to wait for the beta hcg instead of fretting over HPTs.

    I didn’t have any symptoms until after my first beta hcg test, so wouldn’t worry about looking for symptoms. Just try and stay positive, do things that make you smile and make you feel good.

  7. the two week wait is THE worst. but i did not get any symptoms so not having them doesnt mean you aren’t preggo. eat well, be happy, relaxed, and get lots of rest, drink lots of water and spend good quality time with the hubby 🙂 maybe even get a ‘relaxation’ massage somewhere. reading about this cycle, and your other previous cycles, this one sounds so much more promising and so different! i am sending you all my happy thoughts and vibes… xo

  8. fingers crossed for you! sounds like you’ve had a very different (& positive) cycle thus far, so keep thinking good thoughts! i was convinced on my last IVF that it didn’t work — i had NO symptoms at all, but i ended up getting pregnant. i’m about 18 weeks now, & i still haven’t really had any classic symptoms, other than heartburn. i’ve heard that with multiple IVF cycles & all of the progesterone/supplements, months of being on prenatal vitamins, etc., the actual pregnancy isn’t such a shock to your system, as it might be with someone who conceives naturally… since you’ve already got so many hormones running through you — sometimes that’s why you might not experience the classic pregnancy symptoms. i’m not sure if that’s true, but it’s been accurate for me. after all of the drama of getting pregnant, it’s been nice to not have some of the terrible morning sickness i’ve heard so much about! the two week wait is the worst — try to pamper & distract yourself — mani/pedis, going out to dinner, etc. & the husband & i always found a tv series we hadn’t seen but wanted to on DVD — that seems to help past the time! i’d suggest breaking bad, homeland, arrested development…. good luck!!

    • Thank you so much for your message. It really made me feel better to read that you had NO symptoms and it’s reassuring to know that it doesn’t always mean you are or are not pregnant. I haven’t tested at home yet, I just can’t bring myself to do it, I’m going to wait until I have my blood test on Saturday. It’s funny that you mention Breaking Bad, my husband and I started watching it a couple of months ago and are totally hooked, it is definitely a good way to pass the time. I’ve been wanting to watch Homeland as well! How many IVF cycles did you complete before this pregnancy?? Best of luck for a smooth rest of your pregnancy and a healthy and happy baby! xoxo

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