It’s begun…….the neurotic thoughts, the worrying, the fretting about lack of symptoms…..the obsession with thinking all things baby. This is the part of the IVF process that I don’t trust, well, maybe it’s not the process but my body that I don’t trust. I trust that I will my suppression check will be okay (it has in the past), I trust that my follicles will grow with the stimulation medications (they have in the past), I trust that there will be eggs to retrieve (there have been in the past), I trust that the eggs will get fertilized (they have in the past), I trust that they will make it to 5 day blastocysts (they have in the past), and I trust that we will have beautiful good quality embryos to transfer (we have 4 times now). But, I’ve never gotten pregnant, never had a HCG/beta test come back with a quantitative number and this is why I don’t trust my body or this part of the journey. I’ve heard “your test is negative” too many times now and I’m scared to hear those words again.
I told all of you that I was going into this cycle with more optimism and positivity and I was…….until now. This is the part of the process that terrifies me. Maybe the earlier parts of the process are easier because of the periodic office visits and updates and now this is 9 days of waiting. I haven’t given up, I’m just scared.
I’ve decided not to do the daily testing, I’m going to try to wait until my beta and live in my “I could be pregnant” bubble. I’m back to work this week and hoping that this will be a pleasant distraction. Our 7 embryos in extended culture didn’t make it, but we are still blessed with the 7 who are now in cryopreservation.
Any suggestions for distractions, boosters for my optimism or stories of reassurance would be greatly appreciated.