White Flag


We are back in Hawaii and I’m pleasantly sleeping 9 hours a night and napping on the beach. This is my happy place.

I finally heard the results of my endometrial biopsy. It only took 4 weeks and 2 emails for me to finally get an answer……which wasn’t really much of an answer. My endometrium was “in phase” meaning “normal” and that my hormones are in sync with my uterine lining. This is good news, it really is, but it just leaves more unanswered questions as to why I’m infertile. I’m still in the camp that I have immune issues.

And on that note, my RE has finally given in on letting us try the dexamethasone with our last FET cycle that is coming up in November. But, she isn’t a fan of adding the lovenox, thinks that the benefits do not outweigh the risk and therefore is not recommending it. She said that since I don’t have a clotting disorder diagnosed that she thinks adding the baby aspirin (like last time) is sufficient to help with the implantation. I’m not 100% happy, but at this point I’ll take her being on board with the dexamethasone.

Speaking of, as much as I want to add the steroid, I’m a little nervous about side effects. Every side effect will be completely worth it if I get pregnant, but acne, weight gain, moon face, insomnia, etc. Doesn’t sound like a bowl of fun?!

As far as the adoption avenue, we’ve gotten a little discouraged hearing the timelines for adoption. It’s still on our plate, but we haven’t started filling out applications just yet (which isn’t helping the timeline at all!).

Hubby and I’s 4th anniversary is approaching…..our plan was to get pregnant one year after being married, the plan hasn’t exactly worked out like we envisioned, but I wouldn’t trade the past 3 years, I think this experience has brought us closer and I’m trying to focus on what we do have instead of what we don’t. I spoke to one of my favorite pastors from our church last week, she prayed with me over the phone and talked about “relinquishment”. Giving up the one thing that we want more than anything……surrendering. I’m holding onto my white flag, I’m just having a hard time waving it up in the air just yet.


15 thoughts on “White Flag

  1. Wow, I’ve never been to Hawaii but I want to go now! You are having a totally rubbish time, but you are most definitely in a very beautiful part of the world. I hope they find out what is wrong. I’ve been married for 7 years and I really, really thought we would have had children by now. We have had some bad fights (ALWAYS started by me!) about infertility, but we are definitely closer. My husband told me this weekend he is glad we haven’t had children yet because we have enjoyed so much time together with just the two of us. Is your baby aspirin treatment related to immune problems or endometriosis? I’m tempted myself, but have read lots of conflicting advice.

    • You should put a Hawaiian vacation on your list of must-dos, it’s absolutely beautiful and the only place that I feel I can truly relax. I know it’s a long trip from the UK. Infertility is definitely tough on the marriage, I’m usually the moody overly emotional one, my hubby is the rational and level-headed one. The baby aspirin is suppose to help with implantation. The lovenox would help with any sort of clotting disorders. The baby aspirin is pretty mild, you could ask about adding it in the future.

  2. Hi there, Hawaii sounds divine right now – soak it up. I also may have immune issues, and hubby has sperm DNA fragmentation. I’m not on steroids but a friend is (IVF and BFP) and is having lots of trouble sleeping. I’m on baby asprin to help implantation and prevent miscarriage. Hopefully it’ll be successful in the later. We’re married 3 and a half years too, and planned to have had kids by now. Hopefully soon, but you’re right, we’re trying to focus on the positive right now. Betty how are you holding out?

  3. I TOTALLY understand the frustration of another test confirming that “nothing is wrong”, but I’m taking the biopsy results as good news! November will be here before you know it! Enjoy Hawaii! Thinking of you!

  4. We just came back from Cancun and will be meeting with the RE that I intended to have our first IVF attempt with soon. Reading your entries really hits home to me. This isn’t an easy path that we have been put on, but a path that we must follow through with and see til the end. We were married for 10 years before we had our son (after trying for almost 4 years we somehow had a miraculous natural pregnancy). But this time around at the age of 36 and after trying for over 2 years, I’m definitely going all in to help with our chances. I will be praying for both of us to be able to see those double lines soon!

  5. Hey N. I can totally relate to those feelings of frustration with things not going according to plan. I had a similar timeline when we were first married, and it was a long road and our fifth anniversary before we had success. I really attribute that though to the ease of things now; having such a solid foundation of time together and the support of each other through such a difficult process really connected us in a way that may not have had we not had those challenges. Lately I read something that’s been helping me with a situation I can’t change, that in those times of frustration or agitation, to take a deep breath and say, “I’m letting go very deeply” three times with each breath. I know it doesn’t help anything with what you’re going through, but the very least takes that attention elsewhere? Thinking of you. xo.

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