First off-I would like to say “Thank You” to everyone who posted such nice and uplifting comments from my last post.  I hope the FET will be the answer and I hope I can take all of the positivity from everyone to fill my void.

truth: 1.  The quality or state of being true  2. That which is true or in accordance with fact or reality

Truth-I feel angry, frustrated, dark, alone, desperate, and sad.  I thought my easy-going mindset was going to make IVF #2 better and the blow of “your test is negative” softer.  I was completely wrong…….the leniency I thought I was giving myself still left me in an emotional abyss last night.

Truth-Friday started with some light spotting, which turned into heavy spotting, which turned into my full-blown period by Saturday and I already knew that IVF #2 most likely failed.  The home pregnancy test I took on Friday allowed me to indulge in coffee and eat gluten and dairy, but there was still a small shred of hope inside of me that my HCG test on Sunday might prove my feelings and symptoms wrong.

Truth-there are very few people who know the right thing to say to me at this moment.  They are the people who know me best (you know who you are).  Saying “just relax” (I could scream every time someone says that to me), “it’s no big deal”, “have faith that God will bring you a baby when the time is right”, or “better luck next time” do not make me feel better.  Yes, these things are probably true, but they aren’t what I need to hear right now.  I know these people love me and are not trying to be insensitive, they are probably at a loss of words, but feel they should stay something or say the thing that would make themselves feel better.  I’m sorry if this makes me seems bitter and angry.

Truth-I could not survive this without my Hubby.  He is the light to my darkness.  He answers the phone when I don’t want to hear the news I already know.  He hugs me when I need it and stays away when I need space.  He makes me laugh because if I don’t I’ll cry.  He lets me feel selfish when I know he wants a baby as much as I do.  He sees the hope in our future.

Truth-I’m scared.  Really really scared that I don’t know what is causing our infertility and why IVF isn’t working.  Is it my uterus?  Am I not getting enough support from the progesterone suppositories?  Would progesterone in oil be better?  Are my eggs bad?  Will putting our frozen embryos in, just kill them in my hostile environment?  Will I ever be a Mom?  What will happen if this doesn’t work?

Truth-It’s very difficult to put on my “happy” face at work and go through my daily motions like everything is okay.  But at least work helps keeps my mind busy.

Truth-I know I can’t stay in this place for long.  It’s toxic and the stress of it all can’t possibly be good for my body.  I will contact my nurse today and will see what our next options are with our frozen embryos.  I’m terrified of moving forward, afraid of feeling like this again, but know that if I never move forward I  might never get to feel the utter joy of it working.

Truth-I put “have faith” in my daily reminders in my phone.  I need more now than ever to remind myself to believe that we will have our miracle baby.


11 thoughts on “Truths

  1. It was very brave of you to post this. Too many times, we feel like we need to put on a happy face and move one, even if that is something that’s not REALLY happening.

    This process is maddening, especially when you’re trying for your first baby. It just eats away at everything good in your heart, leaving you feeling like a bitter, angry person. But I’m here to tell you that this is temporary. I know it doesn’t feel temporary, but it is. What’s important is that you feel valid in these feelings because they are valid. You have all the time in the world to bounce back – you do what you need to do to get through this and don’t worry about how it looks to other people.

    I hope you enjoyed your gluten and your dairy 😉

  2. “Truth-I know I can’t stay in this place for long.” No, you can’t. You have to decide whether you will allow this setback (a minor one let me remind you) to consume you, or whether you will keep moving forward.

    “Truth-It’s very difficult to put on my “happy” face at work and go through my daily motions like everything is okay.” Yes, it is. No one says you have to do so either. Take care of you and allow yourself time to reflect on what your next step is. 🙂 It will never completely go away, but it does get easier as time goes on.

    “Truth-I could not survive this without my Hubby.” And that is the icing on the cake. He is right there with you. A part of each path you take and willing to indulge in those ups and downs together. Remember that. That’s something worth smiling about. 😉

    You are brave. You are allowed to be scared. Most of us who are on that dreaded IF path, know it all too well. We’ve fought the same battle, just with different weapons. Don’t give up Nikki…and by all means, don’t give in!

    Sending you super big virtual hugs!!!!


  3. allow yourself to feel whatever you want, but knowing you, you will be working on your next plan with a smile on your face in no time! you have many people who love you and support you and are keeping our fingers crossed for you and Z.

  4. i’m sorry for what you’re going through. but thank you for sharing your feelings in such an articulate way. it’s the way i felt after my failed IVF. I know its hard, it’s really different every day of each cycle, but reading your journey thus far, you are strong and i know it will happen for you. praying for you, and thinking of you as you heal and plan for your next steps…xo

  5. Pingback: Banana Bread « hopefulandhungry

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