Escape to Paradise
It’s been 48 hours since I received the call that our FET didn’t work and that once again, we aren’t pregnant. Heartbreak yet again. (I’m a little delayed posting this, my beta was Thursday AM PST.)
This is my second draft for this post. After re-reading my first post, I felt like I was giving up hope. And I really really really don’t want to give up hope.
But, I must be honest, I do have some real fears. Fear that IVF isn’t the solution to our trouble conceiving, fear that my body isn’t meant to bear children, and fear that we will have to decide what is next in life to becoming parents and wanting so badly to have children of our own.
Hubby and I are more than halfway through the Attain Refund Program. The Attain Refund Program is a program at fertility clinics where you pay a set amount for 3 fresh IVF cycles and 3 frozen cycles. If, after you have tried and not succeeded to get pregnant with the covered cycles, you get 70% of your money back. But really, is it any consolation? The thing is, you have to go through the program in a certain sequence-fresh, frozen, fresh, frozen, fresh, frozen.
Our first IVF cycle resulted with no embryos to freeze, so we had to forgo our first FET. We went through IVF #2 and just got the negative result for the FET following that fresh cycle, so now we only have 2 cycles left. I am scared……
Hubby and I are on our way to Kauai Hawaii, we were really hoping that this trip would be celebratory, but now we are hoping to relax and focus some much needed time on our relationships and selves. As many of you know, infertility can be all consuming and exhausting. My heart hurts and I hope a getaway to sunshine, salt breezes, and warm weather will help it heal. I know Hubby’s heart hurts just as bad and I hope I can hug him close and that we can help each other hold onto hope. Maybe I won’t be a Mom in the way I had visualized, but I know I can be a Mom in a way that is meant to be.
I’m going to hold onto my first post and read it to know where I don’t want to go. To that shadow of despair where you can barely find the light. I want to be hopeful……
hopefulandhungry 
ughhhhh. I’m so sorry that the FET didn’t work! So, so, so sorry. My heart hurts for you. Praying that Hawaii will be an awesome, relaxing trip for you two to love on one another, begin the healing process again, and escape from the disaster that is infertility. hanging on to hope for you in case you lose your grip.
Thank you for your kind words Amanda.
I am so sorry this one didn’t work. It is normal to lose hope after every failed cycle but it comes back again when you get closer to your next cycle. All your fears….I have them too and they are the scariest feelings I have ever felt. I wish I could say something to make it all better. I know you wanted to be celebrating but I hope you can use your time away to relax and regroup. You deserve to get pampered. I have no doubts you will become parents one way or another. Sending you hugs!
Thank you Kim, I know we have both been through some tough times. Hawaii is just what we needed.
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On Jan 20, 2013, at 8:37 AM, hopefulandhungry
The pain I felt after our two failed IVF’s and one FET is still very fresh in my mind. It is very very hard to stay hopefully for the third IVF. I hope so much that the third time will be a charm for you, like it was for me 🙂 Try to enjoy Hawaii!
Thank you, I just read your own post and can only imagine that becoming pregnant doesn’t take away any of the fears. I really hope the 3rd time works for us as well. Your story gives me hope. 🙂
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On Jan 20, 2013, at 2:40 PM, hopefulandhungry
sending you lots of love and positive thoughts! hang in there! stay hopeful! have a wonderful time in Hawaii!
Thank you Amy
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On Jan 20, 2013, at 3:22 PM, hopefulandhungry
Of course you have real fears, and they are valid. This is the scariest thing that many of us ever (hopefully) have to endure in our lives. It takes every shred of hope out of us with every failure, and when the supply of hope refills, it’s never as much as it was the time before. And that’s OK. I think that’s normal.
I do know that you will find hope again – because you’re already talking about the next time! If you had no hope, you wouldn’t be talking about the next try just yet. I will continue to carry heaps of hope for you! If you ever feel short on hope, you just ping me 😉
Enjoy your trip. I don’t use the word, “deserve,” often. Quite honestly, I hate that word. But you, lovely lady, YOU deserve a trip to paradise!
Thank you Courtney. Trying to be as strong as I can at this point. I will definitely be in touch if I need a friend to lean on. Xoxo
I think your trip came at the perfect time! I have seen you through every cycle and I know how hopeful you are each time….I don’t know how you do it! what a roller coaster. enjoy your time away with Z. xoxo
Thank you Alex, still holding onto a little hope. Xoxo
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On Jan 20, 2013, at 5:52 PM, hopefulandhungry
I am so sorry to hear this. (((hugs))) I hope your trip to Kauai brings some soothing and healing. Abiding with you.
Thank you, I would rather be in Hawaii than anywhere else right now.
On Jan 20, 2013, at 9:52 PM, hopefulandhungry
Awwww, I am so sorry and so sad with you. There is no way to understand all of this. Thinking of you and hope your trip is restful and peaceful and begins the healing.
Thank you.
On Jan 21, 2013, at 6:17 AM, hopefulandhungry
I know how you feel 😦 I hope this Hawaii trip is comforting and healing for you and your husband. The way you describe how you feel is all too real. You may not feel it, but I have hope for you, and ill be praying for you. Relax, rest, and heal in Hawaii. Thinking of you~
Thank you, I definitely could use the extra prayers. Hope to talk with you soon. xoxo
On Jan 21, 2013, at 7:16 AM, hopefulandhungry
I am so, so sorry to hear this. I know how hard it is to keep hope alive while grieving. Your strength is inspirational. Hawaii is a magical, healing place–I hope you are soaking it in!
Thank you, so far Hawaii has been good to us. 🙂
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On Jan 21, 2013, at 2:22 PM, hopefulandhungry
Heart goes out to you. Email me if you want, when you get home, and if you want info on immune testing. You’re so young, there IS a reason your embryos aren’t implanting. georgetteoden at yahoo dot com.
Thanks Georgette, we are talking to our RE tomorrow. Hoping she’ll have some answers.
I am still hopeful for you. Very hopeful. I’m so glad you guys got away for a bit. Much deserved. None of us can ever know what the future holds for ourselves or anyone else but I don’t think you should give up hope just yet.
You will make a wonderful mother. Hold that in your heart.
Thank you so much, Hawaii has been just what we needed. I hope all is going well with your current cycle so far! Xoxo
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On Jan 24, 2013, at 5:45 PM, hopefulandhungry