Acceptance or Denial?

Don’t worry, things are going quite well over here, the title sounds like doom and gloom. I’m five days away from my last frozen (and fresh for that matter) embryo transfer. Everything has been going well, estrogen levels are rising as they should, my lining is thickening, was 9.36 mm at my last ultrasound this past Friday, and luckily, I’m not having many side effects (if any, thank goodness) with the Dexamethasone. Hubby may disagree, I had a few moments of being bitchy the last couple of days…..oops!

Last night was my last Lupron injection and tonight we’ll start with the progesterone in oil injections. My embryo transfer will be on Friday November 22nd. It is also the birthday of one of my bestest friends, so I’m hoping that she’ll bring me good luck. I won’t be able to celebrate with her on her actual birthday as I’ll be laid up on the couch, but I’ll toast a glass of sparkling cider to her!

We have 9 frozen embryos and are planning on transferring two. I’m still nervous that my uterus is a hostile environment just waiting to kill our beautiful embryos, but really really hoping the Dexamethasone is doing it’s job and suppressing my immune system. These are all just theories, nothing to prove that my body is killing off my embryos.

Back to the title of the post……this is our last attempt at IVF using my body. (That sounds weird, but what I mean, is this is the last time I am planning on going through an IVF cycle-fresh or frozen.) This is the last round for us under the Attain Program and if it doesn’t work, we’ll be entitled to our partial refund. Is it any consolation? Absolutely not. Does it make the blow of moving onto Plan B a little easier? Yes. Hubby and I have decided we will pursue a gestational carrier if this last cycle doesn’t work. Will that be a guarantee to a baby that is biologically ours? No, it doesn’t. But, we will have 7 embryos that are ours, and we can’t see doing anything else but trying to put them into a home that will encourage their growth and eventually birth into this world. I diverge, back to the title, at this point, I don’t feel sad, scared, hopeless, hopeful, excited, nervous (well, maybe a bit), I just feel like I have to sit back and wait. I just have to see what happens, and I’m at a place where I am accepting that this may be my last chance at ever being pregnant. This has been a very long journey so far and it’s far from over. But, I’ve done what I can, my body has given it’s all and we will have to wait and see if it will finally cooperate. Check back with me in a month and I might be singing a different tune. Until then…….I will think as positively as I can.


24 thoughts on “Acceptance or Denial?

  1. It’s absolutely true! There is nothing else you can do now….you’ve given it your all for sure. You can’t change anything…especially with worrying! I can’t believe is is your last IVF…I’ll definitely use my birthday wish for you.

  2. Best of luck! You have a great attitude! I hope this works, but if not, I hope you find a terrific carrier quickly! I think there would be lots of women who would love to do it. I would love to carry for someone, but my doc says no because of my C-section and now weak uterus history. It’s disappointing for me.

    I will be thinking of you!!!

  3. so very exciting! i am so crossing my fingers that this is it for you! the bestest luck on the transfer!!! hope you’re doing well!!!

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