Beyond Tears…..

This is literally how I feel, I feel like I don’t want to cry anymore over this. Of course, when my RE called today to give me the bad news, my eyes welled up and when I had to call Hubby and tell him the results I cried and I cried when he came home and wrapped me up in his arms, but now I don’t feel like wasting more tears on this whole process. I feel like I’m over it, I feel angry, I wish we could just be normal people who have sex and get pregnant. I’m sick that three years of our marriage have been focused on trying to have a baby……instead of actually having one.

Here’s what we know:

-There was not even a trace of HCG in my system, my number was less than zero. This has been the case with every single transfer (IVF #1, IVF #2, FET, and IVF #3). This means that the embryos are NOT even implanting.

-We have produced beautiful looking embryos (this time they were even hatching) and they have been given good and fair grades, but still may be genetically abnormal.

-We only have one FET left in our Attain Refund program.

Since my RE was the one who called to give me the news of my BFN today, we were able to discuss our next steps. My RE thinks that most likely we are coming up with embryos that look beautiful but that are genetically abnormal. Unfortunately, under the Attain umbrella we are not able to do the PGD genetic testing to actually see if they are in fact abnormal. I’m still weary that it’s my body that is the problem, I know my RE didn’t seem to think that natural killer cells were something that we needed to spend a lot of time trying to resolve, but I can’t help but think that it’s my body that is attacking the embryos.

My RE wants me to stop my progesterone in oil injections, wait for a period and then move onto a cycle with letrozole, ultrasound monitoring, progesterone in oil and a trigger shot to set me up for an endometrial biopsy. She said this would let us know if my hormones are being produced at the right time and in sufficient quantities to support implantation and a pregnancy. If the biopsy appears normal we will proceed with our last FET under Attain and possibly transfer 3 embryos since they may only be of fair quality. If the biopsy shows issues with my endometrium than we may submit an appeal to Attain to try to get our refund without wasting precious frozen embryos and move on.

If my endometrium appears to have issues supporting implantation and pregnancy, I’m not sure if we will move forward to IVF #4 to be able to do PGD. Would we just put the embryos that we already have frozen in a gestational carrier? Or would we want to ensure that they are normal before placing them into a gestational carrier? The RE said with PGD if a high percentage of our embryos are genetically abnormal than it’s most likely they were for our earlier IVF cycles and that is likely the reason we haven’t gotten pregnant and we could move onto donor eggs. If, however, a higher percentage of embryos test to be genetically normal, then it’s most likely my body that is hostile and we would likely turn toward a gestational carrier.

I started some light brown spotting on 8dp5dt but it was pretty minimal and I wasn’t having any cramping, so as much as the spotting worried me, I thought there was still a chance that this cycle worked, especially how well everything had gone.

Like I said, I’m tired and angry, sad and frustrated, irritated and confused, but I’m still not ready to throw up my hands and say it’s over. Even though I’m so sick and tired of this process, I don’t want to take a break, I want to complete Attain (because we most likely are the exception to the rule) and get our refund so that we can either do PGD and know that we need to go down the donor egg road or the gestational carrier road. Or who knows….the adoption road. Somehow I know that we will be parents, I’m just tired of waiting.

Today we are surrounded by family. We have relatives visiting from Hawaii and my parents are here in town, so it’s made it a little easier to not want to sit in the corner and say “why?” and feel overwhelmed by grief at the loss of another opportunity to be pregnant.

I just celebrated my 34th birthday, I was happy to think that I might have a child before I turned 35, it looks like that won’t be the case any longer. I know that there are many of you out there that are on this journey at many ages, but for me, 34 was the age that I felt okay with. I’m just worried how many years we may still have ahead of us on this journey.

It’s so terrible but I said to Hubby, “if you were married to someone else, you’d probably have kids by now”, I made him really angry when I said this to him. Infertility can make you think and say things that shouldn’t be said. I’m sorry……


44 thoughts on “Beyond Tears…..

  1. You know that Z married you for one billion reasons, not just your ability to have a baby! I don’t blame you for being angry. I would just be so numb to the whole thing. So frustrating to not have definitive answers. I’m here if you need me. xoxoxo

  2. I’m heartbroken and grieving with you. I wish I could somehow shorten your waiting. Waiting is so hard, especially without knowing all the answers. But I am inspired by your strength and determination, and I know that one day you will be an incredible mother (and father) xoxo friend(s).

  3. Dearest Nikki… Know that you’re surrounded by hearts filled by tears for you both… Keep your heads up high and love each other with full support! Hang in there sweets… I know there is light at the end of the tunnel..I just know

    With all my love darling…


  4. I’m heartbroken and grieving with you. I wish I could somehow shorten your waiting. Waiting is so very hard. Especially when you don’t know all the answers. But I am inspired by your strength and determination, and I know that one day soon you will be an incredible mother (and father) Hold each other tight. xoxo friend(s)

  5. Oh, Nikki, I am so sorry to hear this. I was so hoping with you that this would be the one.

    It sounds like you have a good plan set out. You can tell you’re a doctor with the plan you’ve set forth. 😉

    Hang in there as best you can.

    • Thank you Courtney, yes, us too. We’ll see what my RE has to say this week. I’m ready to forge forward so we better know what to expect….and here I thought I was done having to stimulate and retrieve. We’ll see what happens. Hope you are all home and happy. xoxo

  6. so sorry to hear about this! it’s shitty! no other way to put it. but, i’m glad you have a plan and plenty of family and friends around. thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way! happy belated birthday as well! take care!

  7. Nooooo!!! There are no words. I’m so sorry that I missed this post. My heart aches for you! I’m proud of you for having a plan, but I know a plan only gives your head something to do, it doesn’t make your heart hurt less. Hugs my friend! Thinking of you in the days and weeks ahead!

    • Thank you, we’ll see what comes about from the “plan”. I’m scared to think that it could easily be 2-3 more years before we have a baby. I know we can’t control everything, it’s just hard when you feel like you’ve been able to control everything in your life except your fertility.

      • I completely understand. I’m frustrated for you! I might be a bit off or even late to the party with this question, but have you contemplated consulting with any other specialists? I know there’s usually some limitations with Attain, but is that an option?
        For what its worth, please don’t give up. Keep fighting and remain optimistic. I know and have faith that light is going to shine. It just seems like an eternity away when you want something so strongly….

  8. I’m so so sorry, just had my first cycle fail so although behind you I’m really scared I can’t carry as my sister had a lot of miscarriages. Thinking of you, IF it’s so shit x

  9. I have no words but I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. I have tears in my eyes as I write this because you don’t deserve this nor any woman!!! You don’t deserve all this pain or heartache!!! Have you had the rpl panel or nk cells tested for? Please consider reading dr beers book on is your body baby friendly. Don’t give up!!!!! You will have a baby one way or another!!!! You have to!!!!!!!

    • Thank you, you are very sweet. I was tested for NK cells (which were elevated), I’m not sure about the rpl panel. Thank you for the book recommendation. I’ll look into it, sometimes I don’t like getting more and more information because it starts to scare me, makes me think about all the things we aren’t even addressing. Do you have experience treating NK or immune issues? I think if we wanted to go that route, we’d have to go out of WA state.

      • The rpl panel will test for clotting disorders which may be causing the implantation failures. I personally dont have immune issues but a lot of the girls i know going thru ivf do get treatments like intrapallids infusions. Don’t think that more information is scary it’s just giving you the questions to ask your RE to rule out all the issues and possibly address them. Does your RE treat immune issues? I know the SHER institute does. When my first ivf failed I read the books and even made an appt with them because I thought it was maybe my lab or a protocol issue. All you want is to address the issues that are causing you not to get pregnant. It may open a can of worms but IMHO it can’t put you in a worse situation your in now. Also depending on how far your willing to take this consider a consult with ccrm. They are the best ivf clinic in the country but are in Colorado. I know your not going to quit!!!! You are super strong!!! Def do the research cause it can’t hurt.

        Is your RE treating the elevated nk cells?

      • There are 3 other fertility clinics in our area, after we complete Attain we won’t be tied to the clinic we are currently at, so we may go to another clinic to get more answers. At this point, we likely won’t be able to go to a clinic out of state, both my husband and I have our own businesses, so traveling so often just isn’t realistic at this point. We won’t quit yet, just feeling frustrated that we are having to tell our Dr. what we want her to look into. She is not treating my elevated NK cells, she gave us some research stating that IVIG therapy isn’t always the remedy to elevated levels. Ugh! Thanks for your advice and suggestions.

  10. I am sorry to hear about the disappointment. Glad that you were surrounded by your loved ones who hopefully brought you some comfort.
    Ps. Just stumbled across your blog. Do you recommend SRM?

    • Thank you. Yes, I do recommend SRM, we were a little unhappy when we first started there (with IUIs) because we felt like we weren’t getting much personal attention. Good and bad, since moving onto IVF we feel like we’ve gotten much more personalized care and are happier with our interactions at the clinic. Feel free to email me if you’d like to ask more detailed questions.

  11. I’m so sad to hear this, Nikki. I really, truly am. I wish I could take the hurt away.

    Z’s lucky he wifed you up when he did! If I was a dude I would have stolen you away so quickly! I’m always so impressed by your style, attention to detail, funny sense of humor and ability to knock back a Jello shot. You’re the whole package, sweet gi

  12. I’m so sad to hear this, Nikki. I really, truly am. I wish I could take the hurt away.

    Z’s lucky he wifed you up when he did! If I was a dude I would have stolen you away so quickly! I’m always so impressed by your style, attention to detail, funny sense of humor and ability to knock back a Jello shot. You’re the whole package, sweet girl!

  13. I am so so sorry and I’m so disappointed on your behalf. ((((Hugs))))

    It does sound like you have a good plan for moving forward. Be kind to yourself as you mourn this news.

    Abiding with you.

  14. Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear this. Terrible, crappy news. It’s all so unfair. I’m not surprised you are angry and frustrated… It’s so hard. I’ve said the same thing to my husband before along the lines of “If you had married someone else you’d have children by now” and I couldn’t understand at first why it upset him or made him annoyed! It’s not your fault though, so don’t listen to those thoughts (obvious disclaimer: I don’t take my own advice). I really hope you find some answers soon xxx

  15. That effing sucks. I’m so sorry Nikki. I am pissed and angry and irritated at the whole process for you. and, i know how you feel when you said what you said to your hubby. I’ve been there too. Just remember, you’re in this together. you WILL be parents. xo (hug)

  16. I’m so sorry to hear this. When/if you’re ready to move onto another clinic, I cannot recommend mine enough (I believe you live in my area). My blog hasn’t mentioned the clinic and doctor by name, but I’d be happy to share info with you if you’re interested. I hope you take some time to relax and pamper yourself over the next couple of weeks.

  17. Pingback: Finding Answers and Exploring Options | hopefulandhungry

  18. NO! You do not need to look for a GC yet. You need to see a reproductive immunologist. NK cells are serious and your RE is very wrong to dismiss them. There are 2 doctors that are at the forefront of Reproductive Immunology: Dr. Kwak Kim and Dr. Braverman. Dr. Sher is also progressive but not as helpful as the first 2. Take a look at this yahoo group for info:

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