This is literally how I feel, I feel like I don’t want to cry anymore over this. Of course, when my RE called today to give me the bad news, my eyes welled up and when I had to call Hubby and tell him the results I cried and I cried when he came home and wrapped me up in his arms, but now I don’t feel like wasting more tears on this whole process. I feel like I’m over it, I feel angry, I wish we could just be normal people who have sex and get pregnant. I’m sick that three years of our marriage have been focused on trying to have a baby……instead of actually having one.
Here’s what we know:
-There was not even a trace of HCG in my system, my number was less than zero. This has been the case with every single transfer (IVF #1, IVF #2, FET, and IVF #3). This means that the embryos are NOT even implanting.
-We have produced beautiful looking embryos (this time they were even hatching) and they have been given good and fair grades, but still may be genetically abnormal.
-We only have one FET left in our Attain Refund program.
Since my RE was the one who called to give me the news of my BFN today, we were able to discuss our next steps. My RE thinks that most likely we are coming up with embryos that look beautiful but that are genetically abnormal. Unfortunately, under the Attain umbrella we are not able to do the PGD genetic testing to actually see if they are in fact abnormal. I’m still weary that it’s my body that is the problem, I know my RE didn’t seem to think that natural killer cells were something that we needed to spend a lot of time trying to resolve, but I can’t help but think that it’s my body that is attacking the embryos.
My RE wants me to stop my progesterone in oil injections, wait for a period and then move onto a cycle with letrozole, ultrasound monitoring, progesterone in oil and a trigger shot to set me up for an endometrial biopsy. She said this would let us know if my hormones are being produced at the right time and in sufficient quantities to support implantation and a pregnancy. If the biopsy appears normal we will proceed with our last FET under Attain and possibly transfer 3 embryos since they may only be of fair quality. If the biopsy shows issues with my endometrium than we may submit an appeal to Attain to try to get our refund without wasting precious frozen embryos and move on.
If my endometrium appears to have issues supporting implantation and pregnancy, I’m not sure if we will move forward to IVF #4 to be able to do PGD. Would we just put the embryos that we already have frozen in a gestational carrier? Or would we want to ensure that they are normal before placing them into a gestational carrier? The RE said with PGD if a high percentage of our embryos are genetically abnormal than it’s most likely they were for our earlier IVF cycles and that is likely the reason we haven’t gotten pregnant and we could move onto donor eggs. If, however, a higher percentage of embryos test to be genetically normal, then it’s most likely my body that is hostile and we would likely turn toward a gestational carrier.
I started some light brown spotting on 8dp5dt but it was pretty minimal and I wasn’t having any cramping, so as much as the spotting worried me, I thought there was still a chance that this cycle worked, especially how well everything had gone.
Like I said, I’m tired and angry, sad and frustrated, irritated and confused, but I’m still not ready to throw up my hands and say it’s over. Even though I’m so sick and tired of this process, I don’t want to take a break, I want to complete Attain (because we most likely are the exception to the rule) and get our refund so that we can either do PGD and know that we need to go down the donor egg road or the gestational carrier road. Or who knows….the adoption road. Somehow I know that we will be parents, I’m just tired of waiting.
Today we are surrounded by family. We have relatives visiting from Hawaii and my parents are here in town, so it’s made it a little easier to not want to sit in the corner and say “why?” and feel overwhelmed by grief at the loss of another opportunity to be pregnant.
I just celebrated my 34th birthday, I was happy to think that I might have a child before I turned 35, it looks like that won’t be the case any longer. I know that there are many of you out there that are on this journey at many ages, but for me, 34 was the age that I felt okay with. I’m just worried how many years we may still have ahead of us on this journey.
It’s so terrible but I said to Hubby, “if you were married to someone else, you’d probably have kids by now”, I made him really angry when I said this to him. Infertility can make you think and say things that shouldn’t be said. I’m sorry……