Obsessed
It’s begun…….the neurotic thoughts, the worrying, the fretting about lack of symptoms…..the obsession with thinking all things baby. This is the part of the IVF process that I don’t trust, well, maybe it’s not the process but my body that I don’t trust. I trust that I will my suppression check will be okay (it has in the past), I trust that my follicles will grow with the stimulation medications (they have in the past), I trust that there will be eggs to retrieve (there have been in the past), I trust that the eggs will get fertilized (they have in the past), I trust that they will make it to 5 day blastocysts (they have in the past), and I trust that we will have beautiful good quality embryos to transfer (we have 4 times now). But, I’ve never gotten pregnant, never had a HCG/beta test come back with a quantitative number and this is why I don’t trust my body or this part of the journey. I’ve heard “your test is negative” too many times now and I’m scared to hear those words again.
I told all of you that I was going into this cycle with more optimism and positivity and I was…….until now. This is the part of the process that terrifies me. Maybe the earlier parts of the process are easier because of the periodic office visits and updates and now this is 9 days of waiting. I haven’t given up, I’m just scared.
I’ve decided not to do the daily testing, I’m going to try to wait until my beta and live in my “I could be pregnant” bubble. I’m back to work this week and hoping that this will be a pleasant distraction. Our 7 embryos in extended culture didn’t make it, but we are still blessed with the 7 who are now in cryopreservation.
Any suggestions for distractions, boosters for my optimism or stories of reassurance would be greatly appreciated.
Until Saturday…….
They’re In!
Excuse the blurry photo, I’m trying to do as much as I can while resting on our sofa catching up on episodes of Grey’s Anatomy that are still saved on our DVR. Yes, I still watch Grey’s Anatomy, does anyone else?
This afternoon I had my five day embryo transfer and it went very smoothly. For the first time ever, we transferred two beautiful hatching blastocysts. The embryologist says that hatching doesn’t usually happen until Day 6, so we got very lucky to have 2 that were in that state. Hubby had to work today, so luckily my wonderful mother-in-law accompanied me for my transfer. She took me in for my very first embryo transfer, but didn’t come back to the procedure room, this time I invited her in, it’s really a beautiful process and I thought she would enjoy seeing it.
The doctor had a little difficulty getting the catheter into position (damn tilted uterus!) and had to utilize a second embryologist to help with an additional internal catheter while she kept the outer one in place. But the catheter came back clear, so fingers crossed that the two little embies are safe and warm inside their new home.
This third round has really been all that we could ever ask for-30 eggs retrieved, 21 eggs fertilized, 2 transferred, 7 cryopreserved, 5 discarded and another 7 in extended culture. We will find out the fate of those last 7 tomorrow. I hope a few of those guys make it, but even 7 on ice is wonderful!!
I’m trying to squash any negative thoughts. I wore a little charm on my shirt that a close girlfriend gave me yesterday, she wore it on her transfer and is cautiously pregnant and just past her 12 week mark. This has to work is my mantra!
Here’s my dilemma, I often go into a neurotic downward spiral over the next 9 days. With IVF #1 and 2, I started bleeding around day 7 and knew it was over (was using progesterone suppositories). With FET #1 I used progesterone in oil and tested around 7dp5dt and had a negative result, but didn’t bleed early. This time I am again taking the progesterone in oil but I don’t know if I should go the whole 9 days and wait for my blood test or if I should test early??? My friend who gave me the charm told me some advice per her acupuncturist. He said, “if you are going to test, you should test every day starting the day after the transfer to get use to seeing negative results”. This seems quite logical, but will it cause me stress each day that I see a single line? What if I never see that second line? Will I be better to live in an “ignorance is bliss” state and hopefully be pleasantly surprised? Any advice/suggestions would be appreciated.
Life is like a puzzle, you can see the pieces near by or connected to you, but sometimes the pieces that make the puzzle complete aren’t within sight, you just have to have faith that they are there on the table.
xoxo
Blackjack
Thursday night Hubby gave me a 5000 unit HCG shot and yesterday was my egg retrieval surgery. Thirty eggs were retrieved…..30! The most that we have retrieved thus far! My surgery went very well, the RE who performed my surgery was the same doctor who did my egg retrieval for IVF #2, she’s a rockstar. Not only did she retrieve 30 eggs, but she also took the time to drain some of the fluid/blood from my endometrioma cysts. When I came out of anesthesia I was busy talking about candles (not much recollection, but Hubby said I kept going on about candles), maybe I was wanting some ambiance in the OR, but I clearly remember her telling us that we retrieved 30 eggs. Woohoo!
The clinic just called and said that 21 of those 30 eggs fertilized, again the most we’ve ever had. They will call again with an update tomorrow, how many embryos are still viable and whether we will have a 3 or 5 day transfer. I’m praying that those little embies stay strong! With IVF #2, we had 19 retrieved, 11 fertilized and 5 made it for transfer and freezing.
So far it looks like the added growth hormone helped with the number of eggs that were produced. I had also added DHEA and CoQ10 in the months leading up to stimulation.
Lucky number 21, maybe it’s time to hit up the blackjack tables….I’m hoping Lady Luck is on our side. I dreamt last night that I finally saw that second pink line on a pregnancy test, I hope my dreams come true.
Magic Numbers
I last updated with my Day 5 results, since then I’ve gone in for Day 8 and Day 9 ultrasounds and blood draws and am going in again tomorrow for a Day 10 ultrasound and blood draw.
On Day 8 (Tuesday)my estradiol was up to 3458 which was a little too steep of an increase, I was instructed to drop my Follistim down to 200 IU, I had a number of growing follicles, but most were still on the smaller side. The ultrasound tech let me know that it would be fine to wait and come again on Thursday. The day got interesting when I arrived at work and realized that I have several patients scheduled early in the AM for Thursday and I won’t be able to get there until 8:45, then to top things off my nurse calls and says not only should I keep my Thursday appointment, but that I also need to come in on Wednesday. I’m quietly panicking and asking my front desk person to start rearranging things, I know she’s thinking that I must be crazy. After some thought, I know that I need to bring her into my inner circle. I ask for her discretion and let her know why I have all of these appointments and why they have to occur when they do. She is beyond understanding and we make the schedule work.
Today I went in again for another ultrasound and blood work (Day 9), I went to the satellite clinic and saw my favorite ultrasound tech. She counted and measured about 20 follicles on the left side all around 14 mm and about 12 follicles on the right side ranging from 14-17 mm. My estradiol level today was 3876, so my increase has steadied. I’ll go back to 275 IU of the Follistim tonight, keeping all other medications the same and will return again tomorrow for more of the same. They need to see more follicles around the 16-17 mm range before they’ll tell me when to do my HCG trigger shot. At this point it’s looking like trigger tomorrow or Friday with egg retrieval on Saturday or Sunday. I’m very happy with the number of follicles (the best I’ve had so far), but it’s all about them growing to the perfect sizes to get the green light.
There are beautiful moments on this infertility journey, today my front desk person gave me the biggest hug and made me feel so supported on this difficult road. She said some things to me that brought tears to my eyes and gripped my heart. “Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding.” We’ll see where the road takes us.
I’m praying for good numbers tomorrow, but remembering “quality over quantity”. Pants are getting tighter, but I’m just looking at it like the eggs need lots of room.
xoxo
Five Days In
My jeans are tight and my ovaries ache, but I’m trying not to complain. These are the small prices we pay as we stab ourselves in the abdomen and think “grow follicles, but not too fast, slow and steady”.
Yesterday was my Day 5 ultrasound and blood draw. My Day 3 estrogen level was 237, yesterday it jumped up to 1006 and I had approximately 5 follicles on my right side ovary (only 1 being measurable) and about 20 follicles on my left side ovary (only 1 being measurable). The clinic called yesterday and they had me decrease my Follistim dose from 375 IU to 300 IU. The estrogen level numbers don’t mean much to me because I don’t know what they are “suppose” to be, but I’m guessing my jump was a little too high.
It was a busy week and I had some interesting experiences giving myself injections. Thursday night we went to a Mariners versus Yankees game and I had to hunt down a family bathroom and occupy the stinky hole for about 15 minutes while I jabbed here and mixed there. Then last night we went on a dinner cruise and again I’m using the small bathroom to get the job done, praying that we didn’t hit a big wake from a neighboring boat.
I go back in on Tuesday for my Day 8 ultrasound and blood work, I’m hoping that I’ll have more measurable follicles, but I hope they are all growing together at the same rate.
I haven’t told my employees why I’ve been coming into work late on numerous days. I’ve let a lot of people in my life in on our infertility situation, but I just haven’t felt the desire to let 6 more people in on my secret. I don’t want the nervous looks and sympathetic smiles from them…..they are my new work family and I’m sure I’ll fill them in someday, just not yet. My front office person asked if I was sick, I told her no……would it be appropriate to say I’m sick of this infertility road?
I’ve definitely been looking at this cycle with much more optimism and I have to admit, it helps. But, this part of the process is always the high…..I just hope it doesn’t have a low.
Green Light
Today was my suppression check for fresh IVF #3 (So far we’ve gone through IVF #1, IVF #2, FET #1). My endometrioma cysts are still present, don’t think they’ll be going anywhere without surgery. But, good news they measured smaller than they did after completing IVF #1 and #2 (I’m sure the stimulation meds make them enlarge as well as my follicles).
There are about 5 follicles present on my right side ovary and approximately 12 follicles present on my left side ovary. Pretty good numbers for my situation. The worst follicle count was still when only 4 total follicles were counted when we were suppose to do our very first IVF and I was over-suppressed with two months of birth control. This time I only took 12 days of birth control, I took my last pill last Thursday, had several days of spotting and am now on my second day of pretty heavy bleeding.
Starting tomorrow I will be taking:
375 IU of Follistim
75 IU of Menopur
25 IU of Omnitrope (growth hormone, new addition)
and will be decreasing my Lupron from 10 IU to 5 IU
This is again the Luteal Lupron protocol I did with IVF #2 but with the addition of the growth hormone.
I’ll head into my clinic again on Thursday for Day 3 bloodwork. The sun in shining and I’m trying to focus my energy on optimism and positivity.
On a side note, I finally watched the season finale of Nashville tonight (LOVE!) and now I can’t wait for the fall premiere. At least I’ll keep myself occupied with episodes of the Bachelorette, hoping the duds from last week seem less so as the season progresses.
xoxo
The Big Island-Hawaii
The Big Island of Hawaii is Hubby and I’s little piece of heaven. It’s where we get away from it all and live like we don’t have a care in the world. It’s the place where I actually sleep and don’t toss and turn with anxiety and worry. Maybe it’s the sun, maybe it’s the sound of crashing waves, maybe I let myself go…..maybe I actually have the ability to relax and unwind but somehow I let myself feel as though it’s Hawaii and not something I’m capable of at home.
We are fortunate enough to be able to jet away to Hawaii at least once a year since my in-laws have a condo near the downtown Kona area. Hubby and his family have had a condo here since he was very young and I’ve been lucky enough to enjoy it since joining the family. My Mom is from Hawaii, but she grew up in Honolulu, not quite the relaxing place that Kona is, much more the hustle of a metropolis and probably where I would still have sleepless nights.
Hubby and I are like a couple of retirees when we come down here. Our routine is morning jog, following by breakfast at our favorite place, Lava Java, drive to a beach (lay around on grass mats reading magazines and books), home to shower and out to dinner at one of our favorite places. We try to stick somewhat to the Pacific Time Zone rising around 5:30 AM and to bed around 9:30 PM Hawaiian time. Many of our favorite places/beaches/restaurants have come from the Big Island Revealed book. If you are coming to the Big Island or any Hawaiian Island, get the book, you’ll be happy you did!
Here are some highlights:
Hapuna Beach on the Kohala Coast
Beer and Gingerade from Kona Brewing Company
Pizza from Kona Brewing Company
Monchong Fish (a Hawaiian Fish) at Keei Cafe
Mango Cobbler at Keei Café
Downtown Kona waterfront
Papaya Yogurt & Granola from Island Lava Java
This papaya, yogurt, and homemade granola from Lava Java is hands down my favorite breakfast on the island, I dream about this breakfast. I was so disappointed when we went this morning that I had to have mixed fruit instead of papaya, they were sadly out of papayas today.
Mauna Lani beach on the Kohala Coast
Croissant breakfast sandwich from Lava Java
Kua Bay
Kua Bay is my favorite beach on the Big Island, maybe even my favorite beach in all of the Hawaiian Islands. The sand is white and super soft, it’s easily accessible by car, there is an actual bathroom (not port-a-potty) and the water is the perfect balance of waves and calm.
Obviously, it’s a good thing we try to do a morning jog most days, as you can see, we love to eat and we need to counteract our love of food just a little bit.
On the fertility end of things, I’ve been on birth control since last Thursday and tonight (Saturday) I start my 10 unit Lupron injections. We are doing another Luteal Lupron protocol with added growth hormone for our third fresh IVF cycle. In my eyes, our 4th IVF cycle since we did one FET earlier this year. It’s getting close to the end of our Attain Refund program and I really need to get my head in the game (I know you are all sick of hearing this, but it’s true, I have such a hard time being optimistic). Hubby made a perfect assessment of the situation, he said “You are going to feel lousy and miserable if it fails, you’ll feel this way if you are optimistic and positive or if you are guarded and scared, so you might as well be optimistic!” So true, right?! Also, a close friend of mine who has been down a very long road of infertility herself is cautiously pregnant right now and she said she knew this last cycle would work for her, she just knew it and let go and felt really good about things. She said you just have to trick your mind into thinking this is THE ONE! Many of you have been very encouraging about IVF #3 cycles….thank you for your encouragement, the words I read from you lift me up a little higher.
I will leave you and myself with this one last image of Hawaii, a beautiful blooming hibiscus. I’m going to let this flower symbolize peace, calm and fertility!
Beautiful Hibiscus
Dark Chocolate and Cherry Gluten-Free Oat Cookies
Have I mentioned how much I like dark chocolate?! And then I discovered dark chocolate combined with tart dried cherries……heaven. Then, to really top things off, one of my assistants shared this recipe where the two heavenly ingredients are combined in a cookie that is both gluten and dairy free. I feel like I can have a few of these cookies and not feel any guilt about just eating 3 cookies for breakfast. These are also a great cookie for a pre or post-workout snack.
Dark Chocolate and Cherry Gluten-free Oat Cookies
Ingredients:
- 3-4 ripe bananas, well mashed (about 1 1/2 cups)
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 cup coconut oil, barely warm-so it isn’t solid
- 2 cups rolled oats
- 2/3 cup almond meal (or almond flour)
- 1/3 cup coconut, finely shredded & unsweetened (I like Bob’s Red Mill brand)
- 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1/2 teaspoon sea salt
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/2 cup dark chocolate chips (I love the large Ghiradelli 60% cacao chips)
- 1/2 cup dried cherries (or another dried fruit of your choosing)
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
In a large bowl combine the bananas, vanilla extract and coconut oil. Set aside.
In another bowl whisk together the oats, almond meal, shredded coconut, cinnamon, salt and baking powder.
Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and stir until combined. Fold in the chocolate chips and dried fruit.
This dough is a bit looser than standard cookie dough. Use an ice cream scoop or regular spoon to drop the dough about 1 inch apart onto a lined baking sheet (parchment paper or Silpat mat).
Bake for 18-20 minutes. Makes approximately 18 cookies, each cookie is approximately 120 calories (see….guilt-free!).
Tart dried cherries and dark chocolate chips
Ready for the oven
The best part about these cookies is how easy they are to whip up. Literally mix the wet ingredients, mix the dry ingredients, combine and bake. If you are like me and have overripe bananas sitting on your counter (that you will definitely not eat), then use them to make a batch of these easy and healthy cookies.
Hubby and I are in Sacramento today for a wedding and fly to Kona, Hawaii tomorrow. We are taking a little vacation and many deep breaths before starting IVF #3. I’ll stop by to post some photos and to update you on our upcoming cycle. Happy Sunday!!! xoxo
Happy Birthday Peyton!
Happy Birthday Little P, I can’t believe you came into this world a year ago! I know that your Mommy and Daddy love you so much and are so thankful you arrived into this world happy and healthy!
Happy Birthday Peyton
Mommy and the Birthday Girl!
Sorry that we will miss your big Party, I’m sure it’ll be loads of fun and that you will be surrounded by many people who love you!!! Hope you get lots of fun things and most importantly…..EAT CAKE!!!!
We love you!!!! xoxo
Happy Mother’s Day
First off-Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mothers, aunts, grandmothers, special people who are like mothers out there!!!!
Today is a wonderful day and a tough day. Wonderful because I can honor and celebrate my beautiful Mother, she is the most kind, compassionate, loving and fun Mom a girl could have. She really is a one-of-a-kind person, she is a registered nurse and has been working for many many years in a nursing home caring for those who can’t care for themselves. But she doesn’t just work at the nursing home, she is a friend to her patients and treats them with respect and kindness. I could never approach her job like she does, it amazes me.
I also get to celebrate my other Mom, Donna. My mother-in-law is wonderful and treats me like I’m one of her own children. Donna is also someone who is kind, caring, loving, and helpful to everyone around her. Hubby is a much kinder and gentler soul than I am, and I think I have Donna to thank for that. She raised 4 sons and did an amazing job at it. I know that I can turn to Donna whenever I need support.
Today we had a lovely lunch celebrating both of our Moms. The Seattle weather took a little turn from the warm temperatures and clear sunny skies, but it was still a very lovely day.
My two Moms
The part of today that is tough is that I really thought I would be a mother by now. I went off of birth control 3 years ago this month and we are still childless. I look at all of the mothers with their children today and I look at them with envy. I want to hold a child in my arms and know that I am somebody’s mom, that someone needs me and that I will have the special relationship that my Mom and I have together with my own child. I read Erika’s post yesterday and it really hit home, she embodies what every person who struggles with infertility feels this time of year.
IVF #3 and my 34th birthday are both coming up. I’ve started to dread my birthday, it’s just a giant reminder of my biological clock ticking louder and louder. I’m not getting any more fertile……
Thank you for your encouraging words regarding IVF #3, I keep thinking “most people take 2.2 times to get pregnant via IVF, this has to work”. I’m trying to get my head into a positive and optimistic place, I truly think there is power in positive thinking. I haven’t been so positive with our other cycles, it’s my defense mechanism, but maybe it’s time to know that I will survive if it doesn’t work and that I need to envision that it CAN work. We met with our RE this past Friday to sign consents (Yes, it’s actually been a year since we signed last time). I’m taking a week off from work in June, so we have a very specific window to work with, my RE is afraid I may not ovulate in time since I’ve been having very long cycles, so I left the clinic with a prescription for letrozole to help get the timing right. Third time’s a charm……..right?! xoxo
Blogs I Follow
Liebster Blog
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