Apple Crisp a la Mode
I love fall, have I told you that yet?! Love the beautiful orange/yellow/red leaves, love the crisp air, love the morning fog and afternoon sun, love pumpkin spice latte’s, love football and love fall desserts. And one fall dessert that I really love, apple crisp. It makes me especially happy to make apple crisp because it’s Hubby’s favorite dessert. Recently my best friend from my home town in Central Washington brought me honeycrisp apples from her family’s farm. Honeycrisp apples are so good to eat on their own, I almost felt bad for baking them in a dessert, but their sweet flavor came through in this crisp and I was glad I chose to use them.
Apple Crisp (a la mode if you desire….)
Serves 6-8
Ingredients:
Apple mixture:
- 2 pounds apples, peeled and chopped (chop in fairly small pieces for quicker baking)
- 1/4 cup sugar
- 2 tablespoons flour
- 1 generous teaspoon of cinnamon
- juice of 1/2 lemon
Topping:
- 1 stick butter
- 2/3 cup sugar
- 1 cup rolled oats
- 1 cup all purpose flour
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Peel and chop apples, mix with sugar, flour cinnamon and lemon. Set aside.
2. In a saucepan over medium heat, melt butter. After completely melted, add sugar and stir until well incorporated, add rolled oats and finally add flour and salt. Take off of heat and continue to mix until completely incorporated.
3. Spoon apples into a large baking dish (9×13) or into individual ramekins. Add topping on top of apples. If baking in ramekins place on a cookie sheet in case of boiling over. Bake for 40-45 minutes, check for a golden brown top. (As you’ll see below, I probably went a little too long).
4. Let cool slightly and serve with a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream. Enjoy!
Beautiful Honeycrisp Apples
Apples in ramekins
Topping
Baked (maybe a little too long)
A la Mode
This is an easy dessert and is perfect for apples, stone fruits in the summer, or even tropical fruits. But apple is perfect for fall.
Today I went with my wonderful team to a nearby pumpkin patch, we picked out our pumpkins and hopefully Hubby and I will get a chance to carve them before the 31st.
Pumpkin Patch
On the fertility front, I started Lupron this past Tuesday, my Lupron headaches are back (oh joy!), I’ll finish my birth control this weekend and will begin oral estrogen, aspirin and dexamethasone soon. I’m starting to obsess again, this is potentially the last time I’ll undergo an embryo transfer. I don’t know how I feel about that yet……..I’ll keep you posted.
Happy Halloween!!!
Passion Fruit Mini Cheesecake Parfaits
It’s October, but I’m feeling tropical and this dessert is just what I had in mind. After a few days of rain and chill, we are finally having a sunny fall day here in the Northwest. Passion fruit or Liliko’i as it’s called in Hawaii is one of my favorite tropical flavors. Have you had the passion fruit Chobani yogurt?? If not, try it…..Today! It’s my favorite, I know some of you don’t like the crunchy black seeds, but I can deal with the seeds for that burst of Hawaiian flavor.
These mini cheesecake parfait were inspired by this recipe and are no bake, so they are easy to whip up for a quick dessert.
Passion Fruit Mini Cheesecake Parfaits
Ingredients:
- 3 full size graham crackers
- 2 tablespoons of melted butter
- 6 ounces cream cheese, softened
- 4 ounces mascarpone cheese, softened
- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
- 1/3 cup sweetened condensed milk
- 1/2 cup passion fruit (liliko’i) curd
1. In a food processor, pulse graham crackers to a fine meal.
2. Place in a bowl and add melted butter. Mix with a spoon. Place about one tablespoon of graham cracker mix into your small parfait cups and press firmly into bottom.
3. In an electric mixer beat cream cheese and mascarpone cheese until creamy. Slowly add sweetened condensed milk, continue mixing. Lastly, add vanilla and beat until smooth and creamy.
4. Layer cream cheese mixer into parfait cups, followed by a layer of the passion fruit curd. Add another layer of cream cheese mixture and finally add a dollop of passion fruit curd on top.
5. Let chill in the refrigerator for 2-4 hours prior to serving.
These mini cheesecake are so versatile, you can substitute any fruit or topping for the passion fruit layer. Plus they look so pretty with the various layers. I used these small containers for my parfait cups and love them because they have lids, so they store well in the refrigerator and are perfect for packing in lunches or for a picnic.
Graham mixture pressed into cups
Passion fruit curd
Assembled into parfait cups
Passion Fruit Mini Cheesecake Parfait
Ween Green containers for easy storage/travel
This recipe made plenty of the cream cheese mixture, you could easily use larger parfait cups, those pictured above are only 4 ounces. I’ll use the leftover cream cheese mixture for something else or just eat it by the spoonful from the fridge.
On the fertility front, I’m still on birth control. I’ll be starting back up on meds later this month-Lupron, dexamethasone, baby aspirin, Estrace and later progesterone in oil after the frozen embryo transfer. I’ve actually had many days lately that I haven’t dwelled on my infertility and the fact that I’m still baby less. I’m sure I’ll start focusing on it again as I begin preparing for our last FET (under Attain program). Next weekend I’m attending a baby shower for a dear friend who is expecting twin girls after a long struggle with infertility. She is my soul sister and I know if she can get there, things aren’t impossible for me. She gives me hope.
I’m hoping to get to a pumpkin recipe soon, I haven’t had a chance to post recipes as often as I’d like. Being a business owner has definitely taken a toll on my time in the kitchen. But I love fall and can’t wait to enjoy some fall inspired recipes. What are you cooking and baking right now?!
Peanut Butter Choco-butterscotch Rice Crispy Treats
Is it really September 14th? Where has this year gone? The summer started off a little gloomy with the failure of fresh IVF #3 (our 4th round of IVF). But after the sadness cleared, this was a really great summer. First off, I’ve lived in Seattle for over 10 years now and this, by far, was the best summer weather I can remember having. Lots and lots of sunshine, little rain, even 90 degree weather two days ago! Hubby and I finished the remodel of my new office, now it feels like mine and I’m enjoying all of Hubby’s hard work in helping me get it that way. We just got back from a wonderful trip to Maui, beautiful weather, good food and fun times with good friends. Now….I’m finally getting into fall mood. I had my first pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks earlier this week and I threw these into my shopping basket yesterday.
Pumpkin Spice M & M’s
Fall makes me think of crisp air, football games, apple cider, pumpkin everything, coziness, sweaters, boots, and fresh starts (I think I get this from back when it was back-to-school). Another thing I enjoy are sharing treats for football games, Halloween parties or for no reason at all. A good friend and former co-worker of mine shared this yummy, easy recipe with me. You can throw this together on a moments notice and have homemade treats to share for any occasion at all.
Peanut Butter Choco-butterscotch Rice Crispy Treats
Ingredients:
- 1 cup peanut butter
- 1 cup light Karo syrup
- 1 cup sugar
- 6 cups rice crispies
- 3/4 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
- 3/4 cup butterscotch chips
1. Mix peanut butter, Karo syrup, and sugar in a pot, and bring to a slight boil. Stir until creamy.
2. Take mixture off the burner, and mix with rice crispies cereal.
3. Spread mixture in a 13×9 inch pan that was prepared with cooking spray.
4. Melt chocolate and butterscotch chips together (in the microwave or stove top).
5. Spread melted chips over the rice crispies mixture, let cool until it hardens.
6. Cut into 2 inch squares and enjoy!!!
Luckily, my infertility hasn’t been in the forefront of my mind. I’m taking birth control pills right now (spotting constantly which has been annoying), but otherwise, not doing anything fertility related. Our last frozen embryo transfer is scheduled for later in November, so I will begin taking medications and doing injections to prepare later in October. I’m going to enjoy this mental and physical freedom and enjoy my favorite season of the year!
White Flag
We are back in Hawaii and I’m pleasantly sleeping 9 hours a night and napping on the beach. This is my happy place.
I finally heard the results of my endometrial biopsy. It only took 4 weeks and 2 emails for me to finally get an answer……which wasn’t really much of an answer. My endometrium was “in phase” meaning “normal” and that my hormones are in sync with my uterine lining. This is good news, it really is, but it just leaves more unanswered questions as to why I’m infertile. I’m still in the camp that I have immune issues.
And on that note, my RE has finally given in on letting us try the dexamethasone with our last FET cycle that is coming up in November. But, she isn’t a fan of adding the lovenox, thinks that the benefits do not outweigh the risk and therefore is not recommending it. She said that since I don’t have a clotting disorder diagnosed that she thinks adding the baby aspirin (like last time) is sufficient to help with the implantation. I’m not 100% happy, but at this point I’ll take her being on board with the dexamethasone.
Speaking of, as much as I want to add the steroid, I’m a little nervous about side effects. Every side effect will be completely worth it if I get pregnant, but acne, weight gain, moon face, insomnia, etc. Doesn’t sound like a bowl of fun?!
As far as the adoption avenue, we’ve gotten a little discouraged hearing the timelines for adoption. It’s still on our plate, but we haven’t started filling out applications just yet (which isn’t helping the timeline at all!).
Hubby and I’s 4th anniversary is approaching…..our plan was to get pregnant one year after being married, the plan hasn’t exactly worked out like we envisioned, but I wouldn’t trade the past 3 years, I think this experience has brought us closer and I’m trying to focus on what we do have instead of what we don’t. I spoke to one of my favorite pastors from our church last week, she prayed with me over the phone and talked about “relinquishment”. Giving up the one thing that we want more than anything……surrendering. I’m holding onto my white flag, I’m just having a hard time waving it up in the air just yet.
Roasted Beet & Goat Cheese Salad
I’ve been trying to get in front of my computer for days now to sit down and share a recipe with all of you. I’ve been in the kitchen a fair amount this summer, but I really haven’t had the time or energy to take pictures, upload them to my computer, and write a blog post, I guess you can say I’ve been a little lazy. Cooking is very therapeutic and enjoyable for me, staging the food and getting good pictures isn’t as relaxing. But, I love the end result and I do love to share a good, easy recipe. This salad is colorful and perfect for summer.
Roasted Beet & Goat Cheese Salad
Ingredients:
- 1/2 cup white wine vinegar
- 1/3 cup olive oil
- 1 teaspoon sugar
- 1/2 teaspoon salt (I use sea salt which is a little milder than table salt)
- 1/2 teaspoon pepper
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 6 beets, I used red beets, but you can use any variety
1. Scrub raw beets, trim off leaves, stems and ends of beet bulbs. Rub in a little olive oil and wrap in tin foil. I wrapped 3 beets together in two foil pouches.
2. Roast beets in oven at 375 degrees for approximately 45 minutes, check with a fork, fork should easily pierce the beets.
3. Let cool slightly, take a paper towel and rub skin of beet off. This is a great trick for easy peeling.
4. Slice into quarter inch rounds. Combine ingredients above to make a marinade/dressing. Soak beets for 3-4 hours in the marinade in the refrigerator.
5. Arrange beets on top of a bed of greens (I love arugula with the beet/goat cheese combo). Sprinkle with crumbled goat cheese. Drizzle with some of the marinade. Add salt and pepper to taste.
We are hosting a summer party for my office this weekend, Hubby is going to smoke some ribs and I’ll be making salmon on a cedar plank, if I’m not too lazy, I’ll get some photos and share them on here. I also have a couple of sweet treats to share.
Tonight, Hubby and I went to an adoption information meeting at a local Bethany office. There were a few other couples at the meeting and another couple of individuals. Bethany Christian Services provides services for domestic infant adoption, international adoption, and a foster-to-adopt program. Many of the people there were most interested in the foster-to-adopt program, Hubby and I are interested in either domestic infant adoption or international adoption. The meeting was informative, but a little discouraging. Most domestic infant adoptions through their agency takes two years, an adoption from China takes six years. Yes, you read that correctly, SIX years! I would potentially be 40 by the time we could get a child from China. I know that the adoption process does take time, but hearing 2-6 years was much more time than I was expecting. Another part of tonight that tug at my heart was that a few of the people attending the meeting already have children (granted they were focusing on the foster-to-adopt program), but it made me think “I wish I was wanting to add to my already existing family and not figuring out how to create a family of three.” We may look into a couple of other agencies before we actually start paperwork with Bethany.
I still haven’t heard back about my endometrial biopsy results. I’m back on birth control and I’m spotting……my nurse said as long as it’s not a full flow, not to worry. I just hope I’m not spotting for the next three months, that doesn’t sound like fun at all. My body has no idea what normal is, considering what I’ve put it through, I guess I can’t expect normal.
Summer Fun
It’s hard to believe that it is August already. Where has this summer (and year) gone??! I’ve already owned my dental practice for 6 months, which is crazy! This summer in Seattle has been absolutely amazing, one of the best summers that I can remember in the past 10 years. We have only had a handful of rainy days, it’s been dry, sunny and beautiful!
Every year my Hubby’s business partner throws a summer party up at his vacation home on Guemes Island. Guemes island is a very small island close to the San Juan Islands off the coast of Washington. His business partner crabs all week so that we can all enjoy lots of Dungeness crab. Their staff bring spouses and children and lots of yummy food to share.
This is what the view looked like when we arrived at his house, isn’t it gorgeous!?
We played a round of croquette and a round of ladder ball.
Beautiful dahlias from his wife’s garden!
Live crabs pulled in from the water. They didn’t know what was awaiting them.
This was awaiting them, all of the crabs fit into this one pot. I would have wanted to be a crab on the bottom and faced my imminent death more quickly.
I made this salad for our potluck dinner, Ambitious Kitchen’s Mango & Avocado Black Rice Salad with Cilantro-Lime Vinaigrette. It was super easy to make and was a huge hit!
Lots of fresh crab, we had to work for our dinner, but it was worth every sticky finger and napkin.
Red velvet cupcakes from Costco, look how huge they were!
Beautiful sunset as we were packing up to leave for home.
Hubby and I enjoying their new beautiful deck. It was a year ago at this same party that I had my first pair of embryos transferred the day before. Last year I laid on a lawn chair the whole time and didn’t partake in croquette, ladder ball, or thirst-quenching margaritas. I wasn’t sad yesterday, I just realized that this past year has gone by so quickly and that so much has happened since then. We were full of optimism a year ago, we aren’t so full any longer, but we know that our new reality can bring us a new kind of optimism and happiness.
I had my endometrial biopsy last Sunday, it was definitely one of the more uncomfortable procedures that I’ve had done. I’ll hear back about the results in another week or two. Later this month, Hubby and I are attending an adoption information meeting to find out more about domestic adoption. We are both excited to see where this path can lead us. And we pray that it won’t be as difficult as IVF has been.
I hope you are all enjoying your summers……sun, fun, friends, and food make this journey a little easier. xoxo
More waiting…..
Yes, more waiting…….good things come to those who wait?
To bring you up to speed, I finally had a dominant follicle when I went in for an ultrasound on Day 24 of my cycle, so I triggered with HCG on Wednesday evening, injected 25 mg of progesterone in oil Thursday evening and have been doing 50 mg POI injections since then. I will continue the 50 mg of POI until August 4th when I will have my endometrial biopsy. My biopsy will take place on a Sunday, so luckily I can lay on the sofa and take it easy since I’ve heard the cramping can be quite uncomfortable. The biopsy will show if my hormone levels are out of phase with where it would need to be for an embryo to implant. She thinks it will likely be normal……bad because we won’t have a clear answer as to why none of our embryos have implanted, but I suppose good because then my hormone levels may be normal.
On Friday we had a consultation with our RE, she recently attended an IVF conference in Santa Barbara and had us in mind for one of the lectures. A French doctor has done a lot of research on endometriosis and says that patients with endometriosis have better odds for pregnancy when they’ve been on birth control for several months and have frozen embryo transfers rather than fresh. The birth control helps to settle the endometriosis down and since egg retrieval isn’t necessary we wouldn’t have to worry about oversuppression (which happened the first time we were attempting IVF). This is why the waiting will happen……I’ll be starting birth control after my endometrial biopsy and will be on it until November or December (depending on when we want to do our last FET). I am leaning towards November to avoid doing a cycle right around the Christmas holiday.
Hubby and I have done our own research and have asked our RE that for our last cycle that we would like to add both a steroid (ie. Dexamethasone) and a blood thinner (ie. Lovenox). We read many articles where these medications were positive or neutral towards pregnancy but not necessarily negative. We figure this is our last FET (under Attain) and why not throw the kitchen sink at me. We have a friend who did a similar protocol and got pregnant after several failed IVFs.
I’ve requested information from a local organization about both local infant adoption and international adoption. We are still pursuing this avenue, we would be more than thrilled to adopt a child as well as have one of our own.
We thought we would be cycling in September as both Hubby and I have a week off from work, but since I’ll be on birth control for several months we’ve decided to take a vacation. I’m trying to focus on the positive and be content with having a plan.
I hope to post a recipe on here soon! xoxo
Rainbows and Rants
Who doesn’t love cake?! Before I dive into the darker side of infertility, I thought I would share a super easy, super yummy cake recipe. After all, I’ve been needing cake when life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns.
I love homemade cake and buttercream frosting, but sometimes I just love good old boxed rainbow chip cupcakes with canned rainbow chip frosting to match. This recipe isn’t organic, gluten-free, non-dairy or healthy, but it’s tasty and easy.
My cousin shared this recipe with me when they were up visiting from Hawaii and it can be customized to whatever flavor variation you desire. I, of course, opted for the “never go wrong” rainbow chip.
Rainbow Chip Bundt Cake
Ingredients:
-1 box cake mix (I used Rainbow Chip, but you can use vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, the options are endless)
-2 small instant pudding boxes (I used vanilla, but my cousin made us pistachio bundt cake using pistachio pudding, again, the possibilities are only limited by your imagination)
-4 eggs
-1/2 cup warm water
-1/2 cup oil
-1 cup sour cream
Mix everything by hand in a large bowl, pour into a greased bundt pan and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. If you want to make cupcakes, bake at 350 degrees for about 18 minutes.
Let cool and invert onto a large plate. Cut and serve.
This cake is so moist and holds up well if you don’t share and finish it in a day. Or even if you don’t share!
Onto our fertility news……definitely not rainbows in this part of our world.
I’m currently on Day 21 of my first cycle coming off of IVF #3. I took 5 doses of 5 mg of letrozole starting on Day 3 of my cycle and have been testing with OPKs since Day 10. I haven’t had a positive OPK yet. I’ve also had 3 ultrasounds, a baseline on Day 3 and two follow up follicular dynamic ultrasounds on Day 12 and Day 16, both of those ultrasounds did not show a dominant follicle emerging. I bled for about a week after my last dose of letrozole, not a heavy bleed, just red blood every time I went to the bathroom. I have yet another ultrasound tomorrow, Day 22, but am not holding my breath for a dominant follicle. I don’t think I’m going to ovulate this cycle and I don’t think I’ll be able to have the endometrial biopsy this cycle that we were anticipating to do in order to gather more information. My body is so out-of-whack, I don’t know what to expect at all anytime soon.
We are currently collecting more information about the adoption process. Today we met with a very sweet couple who we were put in touch with through mutual friends. They have 2 adopted children, ages 7 and 3 1/2, both adopted through an agency here in Washington state. The agency they used focuses on domestic open adoptions. They were very open about their process and luckily, each of their adoptions went quite smoothly. They were/are very involved with the birthmothers leading up to the birth of their children and continue to maintain pretty regular contact with the birthmothers.
We are still in the baby stages (no pun intended) of the adoption process, but we agreed that the involvement with the birthmothers that this couple has had is probably more than we would envision for ourselves. It’s hard to say because we aren’t in that position yet, but at this point, it’s hard to wrap our heads around the idea.
We have a consultation with our RE this coming Friday, so hopefully we’ll be able to determine what sort of plan is going to happen for FET #2 (aka our last round under the Attain program). Thank you to those of you who have shared information about immunity related issues. I do think this is likely my issue, but it may not realistically be possible for us to travel out of state to pursue a clinic/doctor who focuses on immune issues. It’s not that it’s not our desire to still have a pregnancy of our own, but we don’t know how much more we can handle emotionally, financially and logistically. This is our thoughts for today, who knows what tomorrow may bring.
I feel very blessed and lucky to have the life that I have, there is just one very important piece missing and I hope to get that missing piece somehow, someway…..
Finding Answers and Exploring Options
First off……Happy Fourth of July! Both Hubby and I are off for the rest of the week, today we taking it easy around the house until friends arrive later this afternoon to BBQ and enjoy the sun. We have had nothing but beautiful weather here in the Northwest (not to be confused with North West, Kanye and Kim’s new daughter, ugh!).
As many of you know from my last post our last IVF, IVF #3 was another failure. This time around I was much more angry/frustrated/irritated than sad, it made it a little easier to move forward the following days, but I still woke up and felt like the day we got the results was a dream.
I started my period on Monday and had a baseline ultrasound yesterday morning, everything looked quiet. I started 5 mg of letrozole yesterday and will take the letrozole until July 7th. I will return to my clinic likely on July 12th for a follicular dynamic. We are doing a mock cycle this month in preparation for an endometrial biopsy.
We have one final FET left in our Attain program. We have another week off from our jobs in early September and will aim to do the FET at that time.
Hubby and I feel really defeated and are facing the reality that all of these ART treatments still may not bring us a biological child. We have considered a gestational carrier (if our embryos are genetically normal) and donor eggs (if it is only my eggs that are bad), but now we are seriously considering adoption. We know that we will parents some way, and we know that we will love any child that we bring into our family. We love our 2 cats so so much and they aren’t even humans! We are just now starting to get information from family and friends who have gone through adoption or know of people who have and know that even the adoption process can be a lengthy one. We just need to put our desires to have a child into an active process, we can’t just sit back, throw our hands up and say “it’s just not meant to be”.
It is meant to be, when our family from Hawaii was visiting, their 4 year old daughter just fell in love with Hubby, when I saw him interacting with her and their 7 year old son, I couldn’t help but fall in love with him even more. He is going to make the most amazing father.
Thank you to all of you for your kind words and support. Reading your messages really made those first couple of days bearable. And thank you to those of you who have reached out with information about things we may need to consider and clinics we may want to explore in the future.
Enjoy your 4th of July!
xoxo
Beyond Tears…..
This is literally how I feel, I feel like I don’t want to cry anymore over this. Of course, when my RE called today to give me the bad news, my eyes welled up and when I had to call Hubby and tell him the results I cried and I cried when he came home and wrapped me up in his arms, but now I don’t feel like wasting more tears on this whole process. I feel like I’m over it, I feel angry, I wish we could just be normal people who have sex and get pregnant. I’m sick that three years of our marriage have been focused on trying to have a baby……instead of actually having one.
Here’s what we know:
-There was not even a trace of HCG in my system, my number was less than zero. This has been the case with every single transfer (IVF #1, IVF #2, FET, and IVF #3). This means that the embryos are NOT even implanting.
-We have produced beautiful looking embryos (this time they were even hatching) and they have been given good and fair grades, but still may be genetically abnormal.
-We only have one FET left in our Attain Refund program.
Since my RE was the one who called to give me the news of my BFN today, we were able to discuss our next steps. My RE thinks that most likely we are coming up with embryos that look beautiful but that are genetically abnormal. Unfortunately, under the Attain umbrella we are not able to do the PGD genetic testing to actually see if they are in fact abnormal. I’m still weary that it’s my body that is the problem, I know my RE didn’t seem to think that natural killer cells were something that we needed to spend a lot of time trying to resolve, but I can’t help but think that it’s my body that is attacking the embryos.
My RE wants me to stop my progesterone in oil injections, wait for a period and then move onto a cycle with letrozole, ultrasound monitoring, progesterone in oil and a trigger shot to set me up for an endometrial biopsy. She said this would let us know if my hormones are being produced at the right time and in sufficient quantities to support implantation and a pregnancy. If the biopsy appears normal we will proceed with our last FET under Attain and possibly transfer 3 embryos since they may only be of fair quality. If the biopsy shows issues with my endometrium than we may submit an appeal to Attain to try to get our refund without wasting precious frozen embryos and move on.
If my endometrium appears to have issues supporting implantation and pregnancy, I’m not sure if we will move forward to IVF #4 to be able to do PGD. Would we just put the embryos that we already have frozen in a gestational carrier? Or would we want to ensure that they are normal before placing them into a gestational carrier? The RE said with PGD if a high percentage of our embryos are genetically abnormal than it’s most likely they were for our earlier IVF cycles and that is likely the reason we haven’t gotten pregnant and we could move onto donor eggs. If, however, a higher percentage of embryos test to be genetically normal, then it’s most likely my body that is hostile and we would likely turn toward a gestational carrier.
I started some light brown spotting on 8dp5dt but it was pretty minimal and I wasn’t having any cramping, so as much as the spotting worried me, I thought there was still a chance that this cycle worked, especially how well everything had gone.
Like I said, I’m tired and angry, sad and frustrated, irritated and confused, but I’m still not ready to throw up my hands and say it’s over. Even though I’m so sick and tired of this process, I don’t want to take a break, I want to complete Attain (because we most likely are the exception to the rule) and get our refund so that we can either do PGD and know that we need to go down the donor egg road or the gestational carrier road. Or who knows….the adoption road. Somehow I know that we will be parents, I’m just tired of waiting.
Today we are surrounded by family. We have relatives visiting from Hawaii and my parents are here in town, so it’s made it a little easier to not want to sit in the corner and say “why?” and feel overwhelmed by grief at the loss of another opportunity to be pregnant.
I just celebrated my 34th birthday, I was happy to think that I might have a child before I turned 35, it looks like that won’t be the case any longer. I know that there are many of you out there that are on this journey at many ages, but for me, 34 was the age that I felt okay with. I’m just worried how many years we may still have ahead of us on this journey.
It’s so terrible but I said to Hubby, “if you were married to someone else, you’d probably have kids by now”, I made him really angry when I said this to him. Infertility can make you think and say things that shouldn’t be said. I’m sorry……
Blogs I Follow
Liebster Blog
Bakin’ Friends
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